


Thoughts

by G_gnosia



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Depression, Gen, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Not Beta Read, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28864053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/G_gnosia/pseuds/G_gnosia
Summary: Changyoon has insomnia as he drowns in the whirlpool of his thoughts
Kudos: 4





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I'm totally not procrastinating on the winter wonferland fic that's way past overdue
> 
> Please pay attention to the tags, the topics may be heavily triggering, I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone
> 
> Yes this is actually a vent fic I wrote just now so pardon pacing issues and losing track of stuff, one could say it's how an overactive mind works
> 
> I'm sorry for making onf suffer

Changyoon was afraid of sleeping. It wasn't always, of course, but that day, at that moment, he was afraid. Afraid of doing something to himself. Of hurting himself. 

It wasn't that rare for him to have some sleep talking episodes, sometimes even sleepwalking, one time he actually cried while asleep. He didn't know how or why, Minkyun just told him the fact, how he heard him sobbing and saw his tears while checking up on him, and proceeded to ask if everything was alright. Changyoon said there was no reason for him to have cried like that, there was nothing wrong. Still, on the back of his head he started being afraid of what he did in his sleep, of ever expressing his darkest thoughts, of burdening others with it. 

He didn't know if he still did those things after he started to live alone, but he always had that notion that he could. It never posed much of a threat usually, when the nights were calmer and his mind was quieter, but this night was one of those where his thoughts threatened to swallow him whole. A wake up call from the real world, and his numb illusion crumbled. Those thoughts returned, he needed punishment for everything he ever did, the fault that is his entire existence. He hadn't eaten for the whole day, a cup of water being the only thing he took in the afternoon. Texted his friend group about being hungry and led then to believe he ate when they suggested him to, and they  _ almos _ t made him give in. Now he was in bed at dinnertime, trying to numb his mind sooner, but his thoughts said otherwise. 

"I want to die." That phrase had been coming to him easily again, after years of it not coming up in his head. But he knew he couldn't do that, it would make his friends and family worry, blame themselves, and he didn't want that. Things were the way they were entirely due to his own failures, how easily he gave up on things, how much of a burden he was on everyone who ever decided to care for him. So he just wondered why he was even born. Him living was obviously weighing everyone down, yet if he killed himself everyone would also suffer. Why did he even exist in the first place? He wished he never had. 

Hunger clawed at him, his urges growing stronger. Changyoon didn't know why, but whenever he felt especially stressed, his first thought would be to gouge his own eyes out. But that would make him just blind, even more of a burden, and everyone would know and be concerned with his state. He never cut himself, never did anything that would draw blood, as others would notice when seeing him. So his solution for most of the time was to hurt himself in less visible ways, smacking his head against the wall, starving himself, eating until he felt sick, punching himself until it felt numb, but his skin never went too red. It worked, until he casually talked about that last method to Jaeyoung and he made him promise he'd never hurt himself like that again. So now his only way to inflict pain on himself was to meddle with his own food schedule, it was already a mess anyways. With that neglect of his basic needs, Changyoon developed other methods, like neglecting his hygiene and never cleaning his room, so he'd always feel disgusting about himself. 

He remembered when he first had what assumed was depression, sometime in middle school. He'd fill pages of his notebooks with "I am a piece of shit" and "I deserve to die", somehow no one noticed it apart from a deskmate who asked him to stop. He stopped writing it, but it never stopped him from still thinking and believing it with every fiber of his being. Then there was a small diary, at one point he wrote a passage on how shit he was and how he tried to avoid looking at safety pins or X-acto blades, because those always gave him the urge to hurt himself. At some point he forgot that diary ever existed. At some point he started feeling marginally better, he'd be asked to stop making self deprecating jokes and he'd comply. At some point he forgot about wanting to die. Even if he still felt lost and unmotivated, at least he wouldn't loathe his very existence. 

But life kept happening. Circumstances and pressure made feelings and memories come to the surface, they filled him with regret. But he still didn't want to blame anyone else, to take out his frustrations on others, so he went back to taking them out on himself. Cue wanting to gouge his eyes out while he's yelled at, he could almost imagine it, almost feel it, but he couldn't do it. It took all his concentration to not hurt himself that time, he simply shut down trying to fight back against his mind. Of course, the other party didn't understand. He wasn't able to eat that day and the next without wanting to puke. He was a complete burden, he didn't deserve to eat. He didn't deserve anything good. Cue wanting, needing to die because his existence only brought others pain, but at the same time he couldn't do anything, someone would always find a way to blame themselves. Yet he also thought, the sooner the better in the long run, right? 

But he could never follow through with it, never able to plan it out, never able to do it spontaneously. Maybe it wasn't about him caring for others, maybe it was cowardice. He had always been moved by fear, fear of spiders, fear of something appearing in the mirror, fear of disappointing others, fear of getting hurt, fear of dying. Thinking of how selfish and how weak he was for not wanting to die when it'd be beneficial to everyone, Changyoon just covered his head and tried to make himself as small as possible, praying to stop existing, if he couldn't do it to himself, maybe the universe could hear him just this once. It never did.

Maybe he's only being overdramatic, next day he'd wake up remotely functional again, as it always happened. His stomach wasn't hurting anymore, probably reached a phase where it stopped alerting the brain. Changyoon was sure that he was going to have a normal day after all that, his mind goes numb overnight and the cycle starts again. It'd all rebuild itself until it crashed and burned. 

In his last conscious moments after hours of drowning in his mind, finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, he wished that one day, his guilt would finally override his fear and he'd free everyone from his existence. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've read through all this, thank you and I'm sorry for causing any possible worry, I swear I'm feeling better than when I started writing this.
> 
> (I also apologize for how unpolished this was I just needed an outlet ig I already know this will be a work I may regret very soon) 
> 
> Again, I'm sorry for making onf suffer I love them all and I only chose cy bc he's the fellow "in his own head" infp
> 
> Pray that someday I'll open the winter wonferland doc again
> 
> Good night


End file.
